Assalamualaikum. 

It's been long.. wait. i always start off with 'it's been'.. Let's redo it. 

Assalamualaikum. 

It's been a while since i last posted anything here. 

hmm, still, another 'it's been'. 

Naaah, I give up. well since I'm caught up in that particular phrase, lemme just write off something related to 'it has been'.

Interesting, I know -.- haha.

What I'm trying to say here is that you can't run away from your past. You may try to forget it, you may give it a wide berth, but you just can't run away from it. No matter how fast, how long or how winding the road you choose. Like this past of mine, recently it gets me thinking, is it some kind of punishment for what i did previously? Because it's related you know. I don't know how to exactly pour it all, but I rarely blame the other party for everything that went wrong.Most of the time, I put the blame on me, for our friendship went along a rocky road, and it was hard to be fixed. Now, I think it's irreparable. It's true though, we still smile at each other in social gatherings *haha*, Like each other posts on Facebook, and.. that's all. see. There's a limit for our interactions. There are few stuffs that FRIENDS do which we don't. Like, follow each other on twitter, say hi in IM, text one another for a weekend meet-up. We don't do that. 

When i think about it, I'm ashamed of myself. for letting it all happened. and being so weak, so helpless to make things right. 

And now I don't know what else to say. It's true, now that we no longer have to share the little space we used to have, but the scars remained and it ache every single day, as i realize that the same thing is about to be repeated. That part of my life now remains as my dark past. Even I have forgave her for everything, and pray for the best in her life, I can't help feeling... I don't know. 

I'm sorry, sorry for myself for being ignorant and idiotic.  But this time, it's a totally different person who's about to scratch the wound. 

Again, I feel so helpless, so afraid, because I know I'm incapable to entrench it.    

Deep down, I know myself very well. My heart is vulnerable. I may masked it up with my easy-going, loud, and maybe sometimes, some maturity *hehe* but only Allah knows how I am easily touched. Most people, even friends don't acknowledged that. Whenever that particular side of me is unraveled, they'll simply jump into conclusion, 'PMS ni'.

 yeah, it's hard being me. I bet you, by now, you are most likely thinking to yourself 'This girl is really something.' -___-' Hah, don't deny! I knew it! Haha. OK, not funny.

Anyway, back to topic, I'm at a loose end. I'll keep praying to Allah, for Him to give me a clue on what I should do to ease this suffering and give me a piece of peace from the torment of confusion which I thought had ended.I can't stop wishing that somehow this girl will not be another foul picture drawn by me, guided by my self-absurdity. 

Sorry for the heavy entry. Full with emotion, huh.

Assalamualaikum.